love
Life

I Lost My First Love, And I Say Good Riddance

Once upon a time, I was in love.

There was once a time when if someone asked me if I would love a man addicted to drugs, I would have laughed in their face. If someone asked me that now, I would probably be unable to speak. You can’t pick who you fall in love with or when. It picks you and the person.

Love was always a mystery to me, and I wish that I did not know what I do now. We started our journey together exactly six years ago today. Looking back on it, the start was perfect for us. We had met years before with you instantly being smitten with me. It took me longer to see the charm that you had. I never would have dreamed I would fall in love with you if you would have asked me on the day we met. You seemed like a little kid back then, but I did fall in love with you. That was a mistake on my part.

Our love began innocent enough. You had loved me for a while at that time, and I had just revealed my feelings for you. You were sweet, funny, and you treated me like queen. I simply adored you. We were a perfect match at the start. My heart had no clue what was going to happen very, very soon.

The First Year was awful.

Our first year together brought on lies, cheating on your part, and lots of crying on mine. We made it through after all that. Then came the second year. That was the year that you decided to start to do drugs. It really wasn’t bad at first. It was a hobby, and you said you could stop if you wanted. I trusted you.

The next two years were worse than the first.

Flash forward to the last two years, you got addicted to those drugs. I was afraid of them hurting you, but I could not make you stop. You never did quit even after you promised me you would stop. You started doing other kinds of drugs. I was worried for you and scared at the same time. You started keeping a list of things you did that I wasn’t allowed to do. It was like you were my keeper rather than the partner I wanted you to be for me. You changed into a drug addict that I was hopelessly in love with. I stayed with you through all that. My heart couldn’t take the thought of not having you.

There was one night when I begged you to stop. You were not the same person I fell in love with. The thought of leaving you killed me. To this day, thinking of me hurting you makes my chest tight. I made you pick me or the drugs. You said you would stop, and we could be okay again. That’s all I wanted. I always only ever wanted you. You lied to me. You didn’t stop. My whole heart was with you, and you crushed it. You hid everything from me. Staying with you was going to kill me.

Why did I stay with someone like that? I was in love with him.

So I left you. I still can’t think of you and not fight back tears. You were the first person to love me for me, and Divine knows I loved you. I just hope that the drugs were worth it.  So after all that we went through, I lost you, the first person I ever loved. Life has a way of taking the things we love from us all too soon. I regret not leaving you years before I did. The person I fell in love with wasn’t around for a few years before I saw the truth. My one regret is falling for you before I knew the real you.

I don’t love you anymore, and that makes me very proud of myself.

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