Life Romance

The Memoirs of a Mistress

This is the final article that was submitted to me. The owner has loved all the attention that her posts have received. Here is her final word. She was the mistress.

Memoirs of a Mistress

Breaking can take only moments, but healing takes time. Healing takes an abundance of time. Even a new life couldn’t breathe my love for you away. Even though I was healing, I realized there were pieces still missing.

The piece that belonged to my first love was somewhere in your drawer of my old letters. You hurt the piece of me that held on to hope even when it was gone. It must have been tucked in your camis somewhere. The piece that loved you unconditionally was saved in my phone under a different name every week. You got married that February to the girl I didn’t know.

We didn’t talk for a year then.

I thought I’d lost your number. I thought I’d sent your email to the junk file. There was a hope I was done watching your social media. I thought my ocean waves were tame again. My actions were my own again. I thought your gravity no longer pulled on me. There was a thought I’d stay away from you for good. I thought I’d never crash back and break again. But the earth turned and the moon rotated and the sun fell away and I built myself into a tsunami. I got your email.

Did you want to be friends?

It had been so long, of course, I didn’t feel anything anymore right? I could tuck you into my friendship folder and not feel what I felt before. It worked. For a while, we were friends. I supported you with the things you did. I encouraged you to talk to your wife. You needed to show her how much you loved her.

I asked you about your sweet son. He even was told to tell you to tell him Happy Birthday for me. I prayed that you were safe when you’d go to work at night. My life was no longer mine anymore. I would check you when you said you got hit on by some old lady asking for your number.

My thoughts of us were that we were friends. I thought us talking was fine. My love for you had gone away, right? I thought she was fine with us being friends.

But one day you said you “love me”. Without even thinking, I said, “I love you too.”

I was the Mistress.

The cycle began again that day. I continued to build into a tsunami. It was dark and full of fear. All I could see was my moon. I gave you a timeline. I gave you a choice.

My words were whispers about things that I shouldn’t have because you were married. I had my own things going with a man I may have loved. I let my heart lead me on full of hope for the possibility of your feelings matching my own. Reasoning with my brain that I would be okay with either outcome is not how my life was supposed to be spent.

Promising myself I would go against what anyone said because this was what I wanted. I wrapped myself up in your moonlit words as I laid down in your promise crater. I told myself I would wait.

Waiting for you is all I ever knew. Loving you was easy because you knew me. You knew when to show up even without meaning to. You knew I’d pick the Salted Caramel creamer at the store on the phone. Little things you would always know. You knew that my relationship wouldn’t last because I needed more than what I was receiving.

You knew I wouldn’t respond when he was around because he was jealous. He did not allow me to have guy friends. You knew me so well. Days were spent wondering if you knew me almost better than I knew myself.

But I knew you too. I knew that when you acted nonchalant about something that it was actually a big deal. I knew that every time you stopped texting back it was because you were home and so was the wife. The truth was a hard pill to swallow.

I Knew The Truth.

My mind knew that when we talked on the phone for hours you were in your car. You would always park just outside your housing community’s gate. I knew that when you got off the phone in a rushed and random way it was because she was home or calling trying to reach you.

I knew that when you said “she doesn’t care” it was a lie. My mind knew that you were hurting her. My heart knew that I was hurting her. I pushed those feelings away. I told myself not to feel them because she was the one that stole you in the first place.

She was the girl in the blue overalls. The girl in the crème dress was the one that stole you from me all those years ago. She was the girl I didn’t know.

So I pushed you on that timeline. I made you consider your options the benefits and the downfalls.

I filled your craters with my own water promises. Determined, I wrapped my ocean around your moonlight with my words. I was the ocean, and you were my moon again.

“This time,” I thought, “I’ll bend him with my tide.”

We talked till two am the night before. You made your choice. We were going to make it work. You were going to finally choose me. We said goodnight. You text me twenty minutes later. The words were that you told me that you told your wife.

You told me that you told her you wanted to be with me. I asked you what she said. She handed you a pregnancy test. She is pregnant again.

I Messed Up.

And with all the force I’d built up in the year we had been friends, I left you. Using all the force I had held together since I gave you the choice. Leaving you took all the force it took to push aside my feelings.

With all that in my tsunami wave, I rushed in took everything with me as I did. I broke every foundation standing. The timeline that was written in the sand was erased within seconds, and I didn’t look back as it happened. I swept away the past and washed out every bit of hope I had left in me.

I felt every feeling I had held back: my guilt, my grief, my anger, my sadness, my joy, my brokenness. You broke me. I let my tears feed that storm. I let my screams drown out the sound of myself breaking under the weight of myself. My heart could take no more pain. I let my laughter swell at the irony of it all. I felt my strength as I grabbed pieces of myself before they could drift away.

You went with that wave. I pushed you out of my orbit. I pulled back all my moonlit words and frozen crater water so I could be full again. You did not kill my heart. I reached every span of this earth, and here I will stay.

You Don’t Hurt Me Anymore.

I will make my own currents without you. My spirit will move as I please. I will shift my own tides. My life will pull and push when I feel like it.

I will rise on my own time without worrying about you. I will fall if I want to. You have no hold on me any longer. I will crash against my own waves. I will break and think nothing of it.

You say you’re so deep, but I’m the ocean. Never have you known the possibility of my depths. You claim your love will never go away. Watch as I drown that unapologetically in the shallows of my sea swells.

You said I was your choice. Now, look at my current as it takes away all your options. You don’t get to be my moon anymore. You don’t get to shine on my beauty. I’m beautiful all by myself.

You can’t have the sun and the ocean together because we counteract each other. If she shines too bright, I’ll dry up. If I soak her, she will dim. The moon is not larger than the ocean and sun combined. You can’t balance out two forces as big as we are.

I Was Wrong.

To the sun:

If you’re reading this, I’m sorry. If you had the courage to accept this olive branch. I’m sorry. Every time I gave in and let him hurt you is a regret I own. If I could turn my waves into glue, I’d attach it to this letter in hopes it would suffice my own oceanic destruction.

My soul regrets every time I let myself hope he’d leave. Then I realize, I couldn’t be the cause of another person breaking anymore. If I’ve broken things even more by writing this story here, I’m sorry a million times over.

I will never be a part of breaking you again.

Signed the Mistress

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